FBC – 418 – Are you constantly being misjudged and misunderstood? Here’s why

Are you constantly being misjudged and misunderstood? Here's why.

Greetings my friend,

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How many times have you felt that people had the wrong idea about you despite your best efforts?

There is nothing more infuriating than people treating you unfairly without any valid reason…

Now, the question is: is it something YOU have done OR something that they don't get about you.

Do you have any share of responsibility in this unjust treatment that they reserve you?

This is what we are going to discuss today in our brand new episode.

The “how” and “why” of the unjustice you have to go through on a regular basis

Make sure to tune in to today's episode

—

Here is one of my favorite quotes:

“The only thing worse than starting something and failing. is not starting something.”
, Seth Godin, founder Squidoo

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Martin Ebongue

Online Entrepreneur & free spirit:

Proud Owner Of The 50K Emails A Day Done-For-You Software

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Your Podcast Host

International Speaker | Podcaster | Free Spirit

Freedom Is A Choice: So choose wisely...

Welcome to the Freedom By Choice Podcast with your one and only hoste Martin. This podcast is reserved for freedom aficionados and entrepreneurs looking to create the lifestyle of their dreams.

In this podcast you will find all the support and answers you need to start, grow and scale a business that gives you the freedom you deserve.

I have compressed years of trials and errors, into easy to consume episodes, to take you from where you are now, to where you want to be.

I wanted to talk to you about very important concepts that can make or break you. OK, and this is something that we all use and we all kind of like make decisions based on that and it's influencing you every single day.

Right. I have my really good friend of mine. Her name is Claire. So we've known each other for a very long time now. So the point is that she knows me very well, right? And one day I remember we were talking and she told me something.

So it made me laugh, but it was actually very revealing. She said, look, Martin, you are the most trustworthy and the nicest guy I know. But you are the least reassuring guy I know on the planet.

It was funny when she told me this, but actually it opens a lot of questions about the difference between who you are and the perception that people will have about you. She said, look, I will trust you with anything. But the thing is you don't look trustworthy.

So the thing is it’s a bit based on my life experience. There are some things that I have developed over time. Right. And some of the things that I've developed over time are kind of like keeping stuff to myself and not necessarily showing like too many emotions or something.

Now I'm getting better. OK, so here's how I think. So a certain percentage of the population could be like me or something. So if I'm with someone and the person tells me that they love me, well now in my head it is established that they love me. And I will keep that information until the day they tell me that they don't love me anymore. So I don't necessarily need to hear it again. But it's established.

So the problem is that if I'm with someone who's on the opposing end of the spectrum, who needs to hear that all the time, it can be very, very hard. And she was like, oh, sometimes I do stupid arguments with the girlfriend something. And she was, oh, you should have said this. She just wanted some reassurance.

Reassurance for what? That you love her. I said, well, I told her that two years ago. OK, and very often if you're in front of someone like me, you'd think that the person is cold and stuff. So here's what I have to say about this, I slowly but surely became a man of principles, very strict principles.

Are you constantly being misjudged and misunderstood? Here's why

And for me, the thing with the principle is that it’s not adopting the principle to suit me. It's a principle. It works in every case.

But anyway, this brings me to the question I was telling you before, is the difference between the perception and what you actually are.

So your product has a value. But it really doesn't matter to people what the actual value of the product is. What matters to them is the perceived value. If you've ever heard the term perceived value, this matters a hundred times more than the actual value.

So again, the same way it works with products, it works with people. People don't judge you on who you are really, because they don't actually know who you are. They will judge you on the perception, what they can basically get from you.

And this is exactly what she was telling me. She said, look, you're the most trustworthy, the nicest person I know, but you're the least reassuring person that I know. And it makes me sad because I think you're missing out on finding a good person and stuff just because of this. And she was very sad about it.

And so the same applies to you. People have a perception of you and different people have a different perception of you because of what they've seen from you and what you're actually projecting.

Sometimes it can actually serve you like when you were on Instagram, the perception that you have of these people, these influencers in their life and stuff is actually not the truth. So they will use that perception to basically get you to buy a product or to follow them or something like this.

So in that case, that perception that people have, it's also based on what you're doing and the image you're projecting.

But the fact that you have this gold watch and you're on Instagram and you're blah, blah, blah, and you are showing your influence in and stuff, well, is it actually the way to go?

OK, that might be the question that you just influence people's perception. So probably that's the way to go. But here's the thing. My thing is that the perception that people have will only influence their short term decision.

And then afterwards, what happens is that what actually matters and what dictates what's going to happen in the long run is the actual reality, but not the perception, but the reality.

So, yeah, I guess that's the message that I wanted to give to you guys for today. And Claire, if you're listening. Thank you for the advice and to help me realize this thing about perception.

Why people keep getting you wrong

You do your best, act in good faith, and still people form the wrong idea of you. It is one of the most infuriating things there is.

I spent years quietly furious about this. Being misjudged despite good intentions felt deeply unfair, and I burned real energy resenting it. What finally helped was an uncomfortable question. Is it entirely them, or is there a gap between what I intend and what I actually signal.

Most misunderstanding lives in that gap. People do not read your heart. They read your face, your tone, your timing, the small signals you are barely aware of sending. Close the gap between intention and signal and half the misjudgment disappears on its own.

The other half you have to let go. Some people will decide who you are no matter what, and chasing their approval is a trap. Fix what you can control, your clarity, then stop auditioning for those who already made up their minds.

This is grounded in real work. Harvard Business Review has covered how the intention behind an action rarely matches how it is perceived, and the HubSpot blog keeps showing that clear signaling beats good intentions every time.

I get into this on the podcast and in my Substack. Close the gap you control, and release the rest.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do high-output people often feel constantly misjudged?

Because they move faster than the people around them can read them. The output reads as confidence and the silence reads as arrogance. Neither is the full story. Most observers fill the gap with their own projections, and the projections are wrong more often than they are right.

Is it worth trying to correct other people's wrong perception of you?

Only with people whose opinion changes your life. Spouse, business partners, key clients, your kids. For everyone else, the correction costs more energy than it returns. Time is the only correction that works at scale, and time only works for the people who stay close enough to see it.

How do you stop letting being misunderstood drain your energy?

Decide who is in your inner circle and write the list. Eight people maximum. Their perception matters and you communicate clearly with them. Everyone else gets the version that lands or the version that does not, and you stop trying to manage either. The energy savings are immediate.

What is the cost of constantly explaining yourself to people who do not get it?

It bleeds the energy that should go into the work that will eventually explain you better than any words can. The work outlasts the explanation. Build the work, protect the inner circle, and let everyone else figure it out on their own pace or not at all.

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